Rules for Tobi, by the Akatsuki
by Bored Katsu
Summary: Tobi wants to be a good boy! The Akatsuki have made up some rules so that their newest member doesn't get killed on day one. List format except for Chapter Five. Currently being reposted for typos.
1. Chapter 1

The Akatsuki have decided to make a list to stop their newest member from being killed on day one...

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Rules for Tobi

1) You will not feed pieces of Hidan to Zetsu.

2) You will not spray Zetsu with weed killer…no, not even if Deidara tells you too.

3) You will not repeatedly ask Deidara about 'his' gender.

4) You will not touch any of the sugar, caffeine or crack (Kakuzu's) in the base.

5) You will not be insanely cheerful in the mornings, before everybody has had their vital cup of coffee.

6) You will not hide all the beauty products in the hideout then act innocent when half the Akatsuki go insane after a couple of hours.

7) You will not mention any religious festivals such as Christmas, Hanukkah or Eid in Hidan's presence. We know you are probably stupid enough to forget this and we would also like to inform you we will not be paying for your funeral.

8) Likewise, you will not interfere with Hidan's rituals, not even if you hear screaming.

9) You will not consume fish sticks within a 15 mile radius of the hideout.

10) You will not attempt to move, steal or in any way touch Konan's flower.

11) You will not let Kisame pay you to sneak pink dye into Deidara's conditioner.

12) You will not replace Hidan's gore fest movies with Barney reruns.

13) You will not sing the Barney theme song while around Itachi (I love you, you love me, we're a happy family!).

14) You will not go in Zetsu's room. We're not sure what's in there, but the last guy who went in never came out. There were chomping noises.

15) You will not say 'Bite me' to Deidara unless you really, really mean it.

16) You will not let Kakuzu into anybodies room so he can sell their stuff on eBay.

17) You will not convince white-Zetsu to insult black-Zetsu, therefore causing a schizoid-esque argument.

18) You will not mock Sasori's Barbie doll collection. We are sure they are vital to the manufacturing of puppets.

19) You will not share any views about 'art'.

20) You will not put manure in Zetsu's shoes.

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Hey all! :)

It would really help me if you would submit a review with your favourites so I can make chapter 2 even better! :)


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

21) You will not remark on how much the Uchiha Clan symbol looks like a pokéball.

22) You will not let Deidara wear his hair down, as this only encourages Konan.

23) You will not steal all the hair bands in order to cause the above.

24) You will not manhandle or in any way abuse the sacred coffee machine.

25) You will not refuse to put your finger on the knot when Kakuzu is doing his 'sewing'.

26) You will not ask Sasori when he plans on becoming a 'real boy'.

27) You will not give Konan any reading material any more mature than 'My Magical Unicorn'. Unfortunately, she can probably find some innuendos in even this.

28) You will not put Deidara's hands together as he sleeps to see if they make out.

29) You will not buy goldfish specifically to shake/tap the bowl.

30) You will not flush the goldfish when it dies. It will be given a decent burial.

31) You will not place recording equipment in any of our rooms. You will probably not like what you see, anyway.

32) You will not replace Deidara's clay with bubblegum.

33) You will not convince Kakuzu that leprecons exist and that they have hidden their pot of gold in a secret cave at the bottom of the lake.

34) You will not refer to Zetsu as 'plany guy' or 'Mr Pansy'; unless you have a death wish then it is fine.

35) You will not lick the middle out of Oreos and put the cookie part back in the box. Hidan falls for this every time.

36) You will not ask which brand of eyeliner Deidara uses.

37) You will not inquire about Kisame's family – not even we are sure what the hell he is.

38) You will not ask Itachi when he is planning to visit 'the folks back home'.

39) You will not tell Itachi to get a haircut.

40) You will not tell Deidara that the Konoha-nin Ino has ripped off his look.

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Hey, I just realized, the fact that this list exists must mean that all the items on it must have been attempted at some point or another! :/


	3. Chapter 3

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Part 3

41) You will not let anybody pay you to stick flowers on Zetsu's head.

42) You will not blindfold Itachi while he sleeps, wait until he wakes up and pronounce sadly that he has gone blind.

43) You will not forget to greet the potted plants if you pass them in the hallway.

44) You will not read books produced by the Toad Sennin; especially not in Konan's presence.

45) You will not ask stupid questions such as 'Does the light in the refrigerator go off when I close it or not?'

46) You will not pester Itachi until he gives in and activates his Sharingan to look inside for you.

47) You will not mock anybodies speech impediment, hm.

48) You will not buy gifts that make loud noises at Christmas.

49) You will not try to make Konan cook as she is the only woman. That is sexist.

50) You will not try to force Deidara to cook as he is most feminine. We are not sure if this is sexist.

51) You will not slip fish sticks into Kisame's food when he is not looking.

52) You will not steal Itachi's diary and post it on the internet.

53) You will not ask Deidara about the 'fun' you can have with multiple prehensile mouths.

54) You will not watch the Jaws movies in case it gives Kisame ideas.

55) You will not replace Hidan's medicine with laxatives.

56) You will not seize the bathroom for more than 2 hours at a time.

57) You will not replace the hair spray canisters with pepper spray ones.

58) You will not throw any severed limbs you find lying on the ground in the trash. The owners may want them back later.

59) You will not get Hidan an electric collar that zaps him if he swears.

60) You will not inform anybody that Zetsu has gone out to photosynthesize and will not be back for a while.

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As always, reviews/suggestions would be nice :D


	4. Chapter 4

61) You will not say yes if Hidan asks for volunteers for any rituals.

62) You will not doodle on Konan's origami paper.

63) You will not push Hidan out into the sunlight whilst shouting 'Burn vampire, burn!'

64) You will not burn money in front of Kakuzu.

65) You will not shout 'Oh my god! It's Sasuke!!' when Itachi walks into the room, or point and laugh when Deidara tries to explode him.

66) You will not cosplay as another member. Period.

67) You will not pretend to be possessed by the spirit of Jashin and shout that Hidan is the worst follower ever until he agrees to do whatever you want.

68) You will not set up blind dates.

69) You will not show Kakuzu the code to the Akatsuki bank account.

70) You will not refer to Sasori's puppets as 'dolls'.

71) You will not sing the song 'that never ends'

(This is the song that never ends; yes it goes on and on my friends

Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was

And they keep on singing it forever just because…)

72) You will not follow Itachi repeating the phrase 'You lack hatred'.

73) You will not steal all the nail polish and blame it on Itachi.

74) You will not start rumors that Kisames mother was a goldfish.

75) You will not make cookies and refuse to share.

76) You will not ask Kisame if he considers eating sushi cannibalistic.

77) You will not wave magnets near Pein's face.

78) You will not remind Sasori that he got beaten by an old woman and a girl chuunin with pink hair.

79) You will not try to sell Hidan to Kakuzu.

80) You will not carry hedge clippers at any time.

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_*_*_*R+R_*_*_


	5. Chapter 5: End

I apologise to anybody who opens their email thinking their is a new chapter. This is just a repost for typos, sorry T_T

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The sun dawned bright and shiny over the home of the assorted murderers, criminals and terrorists. Blue birds warbled their cheery tune; tulips waved their golden heads in the lush long green grass. It was a wonderful day for all creatures great and small. Mr. Happy Bluebird took a deep breath for the twittering crescendo of his son-

"ARGHH!!"

Kisame rolled out of bed at the horrified screeching that emanated from somewhere outside his room. Muttering angrily, he grasped Samehada and went into the communal lounge area that had the doors to all of the bedrooms. The loud noises seemed to be issuing from behind Deidara's door, so he stomped over and kicked the door open.

"Deidara, what the hell are you screaming a-", he stopped, "Huh. Interesting choice of shade."

"Who did this to me, hm??" shrieked Deidara, standing in front of the wardrobe mirror, obviously just got out of the shower, and clutching handfuls of long, wet, and now purple hair. Kisame tried to resist the urge to grin but failed. Rows of knife-like teeth popped into view. Deidara noticed.

"You think this is funny, don't you?" he glowered, "Well, it won't be so funny when I find whoever ruined my awesome hair and EXPLODE THEIR ASS ALL THE WAY TO KONOHA!"

As Kisame struggled to regain control, muffled groaning came from the other rooms. Then the screaming began. Again. He sighed, and sheathed Samehada. As he shuffled back into the lounge, other people began to stagger out of their rooms in various stages of anger and fear.

"Okay guys, what's going on? Kakuzu didn't share out his 'candy' again did he?"

"No I did not you son of a…" came a muffled groan from said person's room. Kisame cut him off.

"Why aren't you out here and shouting mindlessly like the rest of my wonderful associates?"

"'Cos somebody's cut my stitches and my legs have dropped off…"

"Oh." There wasn't much more to say to that, really. The rest of the Akatsuki were roving around the room randomly. He caught Itachi as he strode past, apparently oblivious to the noises of the people around him.

"Stop. Stop. Make it stop!" he muttered to himself. He had some headphones taped to his head, but the wireless kind so he wouldn't feel them.

"Itachi…?"

"God, make it stop Kisame!! You can hear it too, can't you?? Tell me you can hear it too!!"

Kisame was taken aback. The normally unflappable Itachi was looking half-crazed, and one of his eyes was twitching. An Uchiha's eyes never twitched. He suddenly twigged it. Gently, he reached over and pulled off the headphones. Holding them up to his ears he heard a song that had lyrics such as '…love you…love me…happy family….'

"The Barney theme. How scary."

Itachi looked a little embarrassed, but shook his head.

"You have no idea."

"Um…yeah…" he turned back to the main part of the room, "Hidan, why have you got that collar around your neck?"

He regretted these words instantly. The religious maniac shuffled over to him with wild eyes.

"Jashin-sama appeared to me in the night and said I was the worst fu- ARGHHH!" He writhed in pain momentarily, then continued, "The worst follower he'd even have because I taint his air all the time, so he gave me this collar to stop me saying sh- ARGHHHH! – stop me saying stuff I shouldn't…"

"And you knew it was Jashin…how? "

"He knew…about what the rumor I helped spread…yesterday." He looked shifty.

"Oh well, whatever."

He couldn't see Konan anywhere in the room, but he heard a roaring noise come from one of the rooms and a door creaked. He moved into action fast.

"Somebody grab Deidara quickly!!"

They were too late. Konan shot into the room, and began to sound off.

"WHO TOOK MY FLOWER?! AND WHO PUT A GIANT MAGNET ON THE CEILING OF PEIN-SAMS ROOM? HE'S STUCK TO THE CEILING YOU BASTARDS!"

As people began to whisper 'What was she doing In Pein's room, anyway?' she breathed heavily, then looked around and saw Deidara cowering behind the sofa, wearing only a towel and with his hair loose. She began to drool. Painful noises started, then stopped, and Pein appeared through the same doorway Konan had, clutching his face.

"Who dib dhis? Dhis id a war act against de Akatsudi!" he could barely speak for the swelling he had gained ripping his face from his ceiling. Kisame stepped forward.

"Not sure leader, you all seem to have been pranked so I guess it's either me, Zetsu or Tobi."

As he said this, Deidara sidled up to him, wincing as he saw where Konans eyes were going, and whispered,

"So is it true about you and the guppy, hm?"

"What???"

"Hunh. Id would apbear that we hab all been pranked, then. Abart from Tobi and Zetsu…"

They all turned to look at the previously unnoticed man in the orange mask who was sitting innocently in the corner.

"Why is everybody looking at Tobi? Tobi is a good boy!" he radiated blissful stupidity.

"It's okay Pein-sama. I think he probably has a negative I.Q. He couldn't do something like this, hm…"

As he said these words, there was a yawn was heard, and the last door opened. As Zetsu wandered into the room, they took in his appearance. He was wearing an 'I am Jashin' shirt, and had Konan's flower stuck to his head. His hands were stained purple as if he had recently been handling dye.

"Uh, hey guys." he stammered under a fiery death glare. The room heated up like one of the pits of hell.

"Let's get the fu-ARGH! – in' weed whacker…" growled Hidan.

* * *

As sounds of Zetsu's torture faded, Tobi strode out across the path that led to the hideout. He cackled softly, removing his mask. The Sharingan eyes glimmered softly in the darkness. Oh yes, Tobi was a good boy. But not _all _the time.

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Non-reviewers have to wear Hidan's collar!

Ciao, Katsu


	6. The Most Awesome Epic Final Author Note

Everything got re-uploaded ...a couple of months ago, actually. If you can still see any errors, don't hesitate to contact me. I can finally take down that bothersome authors note!

...Only to replace it with another one?

Keep reviewing! I love all you guy who review!

Katsu :D

You can now see me as ~Bored-Katsu on DeviantArt!


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